L O V E

to be quite honest
i thought love was a thing of fairy tales;
or something constructed
in the minds of the insecure
& weak. it gave them something to strive for
something to cling to
something...

to be quite honest
i laid my bets on other horses
the flashy ones
i suddenly had so many options
& i didn't know what to do with myself
"take a number & get in line"

to be quite honest
i underestimated you
until the moment i heard your voice
& then i was hooked
something told me that you were different
but i kept trying to fight it
i suddenly had so many options

to be quite honest
i thought you didn't like me at first
when we sat on the subway
& you focused your attention on
problem solving
but not me
i realized later that you were problem solving
for me
& that you would continue to be my problem solver
my white knight
for as long as i would accept it

to be quite honest
i never thought i'd meet someone like you
open minded yet with strong morals
the kind of guy who doesn't want to lie
to his mother about what he's doing
the kind of guy you can respect

to be quite honest
i felt like i loved you right away
& it scared me but at the same time
it didn't. because you made me feel
unafraid. & every day the feeling just kept
building &
building &
when i finally told you, i wished that i told you
yesterday. the week before. last month.
because i loved you all those times.
because you made me fall in love with you.

wrong

you're wrong in all the right ways
in those only contacting me at night ways
in those always putting up a fight ways
in those perfect...

but not quite ways

a new sickness

there's a new pit in my stomach. one that's gnawing and clawing away at my insides. there's a new pit in my stomach. and i'm fighting it and pushing it down but it comes rearing back stronger every single time. there's a new pit in my stomach. one that's burning and churning and telling me it needs to make its way up my throat if i'd only let it.......but i'll never let it.

officially official

so i laid there with him wishing he was you and telling myself, "this means something. the fact that i wish he was you means something." so i pushed him aside and i made room for you and my gut was telling me that you were every kind of wrong there could be in the dictionary but my heart was telling me to just listen, for once, and do what i want. the only problem with this is that as per usual, i don't know what i want. so i'm sitting here running through every scenario in which you could hurt me...refusing to acknowledge the fact that in all honesty - you already have.

fair fight

it was never in your nature to play fair. you twisted and teased and i always came back, begging. please hurt me one more time! am i weak enough for you yet? so i fixed myself up and searched around, but i think any form of self-confidence simply repels you. am i pathetic enough for you yet? so i gave up and sulked around, but i think any form of self-doubt simply attracts you. am i pitiful enough for you yet? so i gave in and acknowledged just how much you fucked with my head, but not to your face. never to your face. am i good enough for you yet?

the awakening

so i lounged on that trampoline, boring book in hand, skin sticky with sweat and sunscreen. once i turned that final page, hoping for an ending that would be worth it (and being sorely disappointed) i couldn't help feeling like i wanted to climb out of my own skin. so i stood up. too quickly. my head spun and my eyes burned as if i'd looked directly into the sun. i began to jump. the soft breeze tickled my skin and melted away all the leaves, buds, and other various debris. i jumped, hoping that if i jumped long enough - jumped high enough - i would escape this. for a second there, i started to believe it. until my knees buckled and i crumpled to the ground. who was i kidding?

4AM

our banter is comfortable in a way i never thought we'd achieve. in the way i'd like it to be with some other people who shall not be named. i can't say i wasn't worried, but i like you more this way. i like us more this way. that could be selfish but i don't mind. what's a teenage girl without selfish?