fair fight

it was never in your nature to play fair. you twisted and teased and i always came back, begging. please hurt me one more time! am i weak enough for you yet? so i fixed myself up and searched around, but i think any form of self-confidence simply repels you. am i pathetic enough for you yet? so i gave up and sulked around, but i think any form of self-doubt simply attracts you. am i pitiful enough for you yet? so i gave in and acknowledged just how much you fucked with my head, but not to your face. never to your face. am i good enough for you yet?

the awakening

so i lounged on that trampoline, boring book in hand, skin sticky with sweat and sunscreen. once i turned that final page, hoping for an ending that would be worth it (and being sorely disappointed) i couldn't help feeling like i wanted to climb out of my own skin. so i stood up. too quickly. my head spun and my eyes burned as if i'd looked directly into the sun. i began to jump. the soft breeze tickled my skin and melted away all the leaves, buds, and other various debris. i jumped, hoping that if i jumped long enough - jumped high enough - i would escape this. for a second there, i started to believe it. until my knees buckled and i crumpled to the ground. who was i kidding?

4AM

our banter is comfortable in a way i never thought we'd achieve. in the way i'd like it to be with some other people who shall not be named. i can't say i wasn't worried, but i like you more this way. i like us more this way. that could be selfish but i don't mind. what's a teenage girl without selfish? 

rest(reck)less

i'm feeling restless and reckless. like i just want to reach into my chest: slice the muscle, crack the ribs - grab hold of the pericardium and tug. maybe then i'll finally get the sleep i've been dying for. but it always seems just out of reach. how can one long to sleep for days and simultaneously yearn to charge through open fields? i want to make every moment matter, and i want to waste away my days.